I really thought I was alright Today. We returned from ABQ after a sleepover at the zoo. WHich was absolutely amazing! I had a blast. Wished I could have let Rhyan enjoy it more and not ride her as hard as I did. But its me, who we kidding?!
So that give you an idea of how our night went on saturday. It doesnt need to be said but Rhyan was EXTREMELY TIRED!
She had the biggest meltdown beginning at 10pm. Now, all 1,000 girls were still going full speed at 11:00pm. So it was hard to control her. She wanted to be apart of all the festivities, even if it was a small part like playin freeze tag with other troops. It was so adorable how friendly my lil girl was with making new friends. I set out a throw for the 5 girls in our troop to watch Happy Feet on the lawn. I go to sit and eat my dinner with them and theres no space for me. In the dark, I look closely at the faces and realize we have strangers sittin with us. Rhyan made friends with a troop from Los Lunas, shared her snacks with 'em, and invited them to sit with HER. Not us, HER! All the while, kicking her fellow girl scout troop of to the moist grass. DOH! Well atleast shes trying, we have to work on the other part. lol.
Shes running around, laughing and screaming very loudly. She's putting herself in a bad position. She's gonna rip someones tent. trip over tent stakes. Run into another kid and split open her head. or at the most get an extremely painful headache. So IM grinding my teeth and grunting out in a moderately stern tone,"Rhyan cut it out, settle down, stop it, no more, no more, settle down, stop, stop, come here, come here now!" Does she comprehend any of this.
And this goes on for 15 - 20 minutes.
Im losing my patience quick, not to mention Im so tired.
Then....
She falls into our tent. I hear a very distint crack!
Its the tent poles and Im freaking out. First wondering about how severe the damage is to our tent and can we still sleep in it.
Then, I worry if she has scraped her leg or cut her foot?
What a terrible mom, right!
So the tent wasnt damaged but that was the straw that broke the camels back. UGH!
I quickly grab her by her upper arm fiercely, drag her off, while she screams,"no, ouch, that hurts, stop it, dont pinch me!"
Im seeing red and gettin more and more embarassed.
I end up squeezing her nose, pinching and yanking more and Im ready to lose it. Were away from the tents now and standing off in the dark. While I wring her out.
THat was the first incident. There were a few more that ended with the biggest one at 12:15am. Yes, shes still up at this time. Now since the first one she has been locked up with her friend, Sam, in the tent. talking to the other girls through the mesh screen.
So she gets outta hand I tell her calmly I need to set some rules and she needs to leave the tent with me. To go talk. Now, on the trip over earlier in the day I versed her in the rules. But when she gets around other girls, laughs and begins to have fun - she loses focus and goes bonkers! Absolutley BONKERS! and it drives me INSANE!
I cant handle it. Im like a werewolf during a fullmoon... I morph into Joan Crawford, and rather scream, "CHRISTINA", I growl loudly, " RHYAN"!!!!!!!!!!
I hate it when I do that. I cant turn that off the minute Im in a full blown freak out. Until after I realize how severe my behaviour was and I have such guilt. I cry and make myself sick thinking about how I looked to onlookers and mainly how this affected Rhyan. It makes me sick. Im not one of those moms that carry themselves with dignity. But I sure wish I was.
Now, b4 you say its the stress of being a new mom to a 6 month old. Ive done this mutliple times b4 Reagan was conceived. I started when Rhy was just a toddler. Its aweful. THis is what I mean when I refer to myself as a horrific mother. MAybe motherhood doesnt agree with me. I always thought I was the motherly type, but I have to try hard at it. IT rough, REAL rough.
So she says over and over to me at midnite somthing to the effect:
1. I cant do anything right
2. I always mess things up
3. Daddy's the only one that loves me
4. You dont love me, you hate me,
5. YOu think Im ugly, im not beautiful, Im dumb.
6. I dont know anything
and more and more just like these comments
At this moment I realize Ive road her hard today and shes spent. SPENT!
I know right now that the last thing she needs from me is more yelling. So I say (in a not so behaved "mother" way), theres plenty of moms her. go. go pick another one. you obviously dont want me to be your mom anymore. Then DOm not being there, still saved the day. He called at that very moment, spoke to rhy calming her down. She gives the phone back and says to me,
" mom im tired and my legs hurt, can i have some medicine".
DOne.
she was ready for bed. I took that opportunity and ran with it. We went back . I cuddled her more. calmly told her to settle down and get to bed.
She was asleep within 2 mins. Man, I was SPENT!
Did I sleep well that night? nope. But again I realized
1. how bad of a mom I am.
2. How much im not paying attention to Rhyan
3. how impatient and angered I am by her not being perfect, and just wanting to act like a lil kid. I know, shes 6 and she doesnt want to sit still. Go figure!
So Im home, everynes asleep and at 11pm tonight I realize Im not OKAY!
I need to cry, feel the biggest urge coming outta nowhere. And I break down. I feel the need to get on the blog and post my feelings. so thats what Im doing.
uh oh! I hear the baby. c ya
