Saturday, May29th.
When I leave the house for an evening - to do something for myself, I come home to a home that makes me feel guilty. It may be in my head but that’s how I feel. DC goes hunting, goes to work, goes to his parents, goes out to have fun with cousins and family (without us) and doesn’t have the slightest bit of guilt. Me? Forget it, I’m a mess for hours afterwards.
I am with the kids all day long worrying about them. Are they getting enough vitamins? Are they getting enough sleep? Am I rearing them to be good citizens in society? Does he ever worry about these things. Seems like no. I worry they’ll get a disease later in life and what if I could have prevented it. What if they get hurt really bad and I could have prevented that too. Am I paying enough attention to them. I don’t want anything to get by me. Such as a harmful person in their lives. What if I ignore the signs that something was wrong. Why was I so aloof? Really, these are only a few of my neurotic worries. I obsess over them. I cant enjoy a normal life because im so neurotic. I worry, worry, worry. I was once told by a person that I was a manic depressant! I took offense to it but now some years later I am starting to think that there is truth to it.
I LIKE to cry. I think it makes me happier. I LOV to watch sad movies. I get a thrill outta letting my emotions run wild.
Im lonely. Im scared. Im everything all at the same time.
I went out tonight to watch a movie and it was sad and happy. I wanted to do my usual cryfest on the drive home but was sidetracked in the theatre lobby. Someone I knew from long ago stopped me to chat for a few minutes. They wanted to talk about families and how happy they were and all I wanted to say was,” Im in my zone I gotta go so I can reflect on my life and be sad and cry.” but I didn’t. I stood there talking and saying,”oh good. Good. Love the stay at home life”. I answered everything in a happy manner. Im such a cynical person. I was seriously bummed that these people , only trying to be nice, KILLED my depressed buzz!
I was high on depression and my seratonin levels were low and loving it. Then Wham! Someone goes and cheers me up. Dang!
